Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Purge

I never tire of the sunsets here

I've started the purge. Not that there's much enough. Sentimental stuff hauled all the way here from Toronto. Letters, photos, cards. And the journals I need to burn. Tripe as my father would have called such "rubbish". He burned and dumped all his own stuff about 6 months before he died. "The Evidence" as I like to mentally call it. Cartons of papers and gawd knows what else.

I found lovely photos of my Helen. Cards from Missing Daughter loving me forever. Forever is always negotiable, isn't it. At the time we mean it. Can never imagine forever being over and done with. I philosophize as I work my way through stuff. A lot of thank you cards extolling my kindness, etc. Many from people whose names do not stir any remembrance at all. Weird that. Many items from people long dead. I am being ruthless. I don't need these memento mori anymore in my life. We change. We evolve. We devolve. We move on.

I had to make two hard decisions in the week. One was not to attend Grandgirl's Convocation in Ontario. She was limited to inviting three people only. Her father, her mother and I were her choices. The health thing. I am bockety, unsteady on the pins. I thought about this. Being a constant worry to my loved ones. Because worry they would. And distract. There is endless walking and grounds and halls and parking lots. I'm good for about three minutes and then kazoom. And a fresh worry, legitimate, deep vein thrombosis on the flight. I shouldn't say worry as I sound a mite obsessed. I'm not. At all. This was a carefully thought through decision with no regrets. I'll see the pictures and the fact she included me in her three beloveds meant the world to me.

I'm putting a small stayover bag for my apartment together. I'm quite excited about this. And then I walk across to my iceberg in this sparkling shine of a day and I feel the tears. Leaving here, leaving this magical place where I finally found myself. I still have a busy final tourist season happening ahead of me.

That's all good. I'm going out with a bang.

I keep reminding myself: This is all so good. So very good.

21 comments:

  1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZqePvl-w9M

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    1. Scorpions looks like a rock band or something. Not sure why you sent this.

      XO
      WWW

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    2. They sure are a rock band.The reason Ramana sent you the link is because the song is called "Going out with a bang".I am in total awe of Ramana. How come he knows The Scorpions? OH MY GOD.

      All the best, WWW,more thoughts on the subject you raised later,
      U

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    3. Ramana never ceases to amaze. I never would have linked the two. Lol.

      XO
      WWW

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  2. It's very hard and upsetting to part with a lifetime of accumulated personal memorabilia and even harder to bid the final farewell to a much-loved home after spending so much of your life there.
    I don't envy you one bit and just wish there was something I could do to ease the heartache. Take care. xxx

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    1. It was time Rambler, it was time. To everything there is a season

      Thank you for your kind words.

      XO
      WWW

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  3. Your writing shows something spiritual that’s touches to my heart. Don’t give up and be hopeful for good healthy time. Your will be ok soon.

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    1. It's hard to detect spam sometimes but I will thank you for your words.

      XO
      WWW

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  4. I'm purging too Wise. OMG it is so hard! Of course I have saved every letter, card whatever I ever received [why? to prove I exist?] and ripping them in half hurts like hell [better me than someone else though] so I will think of you as I spend ONLY an hour a day at this work. I also think of Leonard Cohen as I think he "ended" so well. Be cool - hopefully you have lots of time for another life ❤️

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    1. More on this later BB. These times are enlightening.

      XO
      WWW

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  5. I have done the same purging several times and it continues
    at this time. Best of luck to you and go onward. I learn
    from you.

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    1. I think this is my 4th and final Ernestine.
      I'm finding it fascinating.

      XO
      WWW

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  6. Disappointing for you, but wise - the decision to forego visiting your Grandgirl's convocation (not sure what that is - similar to graduation, I'm guessing).

    Disappointing, but wise comes up a lot during these senior years. Feeling that one's mind is still young, active, vibrant, then finding it can't keep up with physical problems. I'm trying, currently to get a BP spike under control...a gentle reminder that I'm....well....old. :-(
    But alive :-)

    The mention of your finding photographs reminded me that I've often wondered if you'd heard, at all, from Missing Daughter, WWW. I'm convinced you will, one day.

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    1. No haven't heard from Missing Daughter at all T. On the advice of a friend I'm going to take a fresh approach.

      I'm up against the physical more than I expected but more on that later.

      XO
      WWW

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  7. How sad it must be to lose a daughter. If I were the praying type I would pray for her to return to your life. As it is, I just hope you and she can be reconciled.
    I am going through the tokens of my life, too. I am struggling every day with my worsening health but fairly comfortable. And I hear you about not wanting to participate in even a happy event because of the physical effort involved and the emotional drain on others. For me looking at my foreshortened future is hard, but I can be in my home for now, which is a great comfort.

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    1. I'm so glad you can be home Hattie in the place that you love so much. Thanks for your kind words. I find I tire easily too with this disease I have. And cry easily too, I think it a side-effect the doc warned me about. But if I'm completely engaged I find I can forego the nap.
      You're in my thoughts a lot.

      XO
      WWW

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  8. Even desired change can be very hard. Even when there is a lot to look forward to. I fall in love with my homes and their beautiful places in nature, and find it difficult to say goodbye to them. Once I'm gone, though, it becomes easy, and there are other beautiful places everywhere. You're on an adventure! - Kate

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    1. You're so right Kate. Once I've made up my mind I never look back. I've loved all of my homes in different ways. I never thought I'd beat my wee Toronto house but this old salt box did. I've been so happy here. But I'm sure I'll make my next place something I love also.

      XO
      WWW

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  9. I have been wondering how you're getting on this week, so happy for you to have had daughter's birthday and then grand girl's graduation and while I completely understand the reasons for not going to the ceremony, it is good to be asked and included in spirit. I also have done the purging you are doing and found it to be difficult but a good life review and an opportunity for a clean slate, in some ways. I like the photo of the minimalist desk area and the very serene blue on the wall. I hope all goes smoothly once you're past the purging.

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  10. Thank you E. Yes time to reinvent myself once again, I always like that concept. We all perform to a huge degree, don't we? Even small stuff.

    Yes the clean slate too. A small space leaves very little to go mucking about in and procrastinating.

    XO
    WWW

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  11. I'm forgoing attending my granddaughter's commencement on the opposite coast from me. I see they're streaming the event live, so I just have to arise earlier than usual to view. Also, the event is outside, so if it rains they'll transfer indoors but have no seating for expected 7000 visitors who will be sent to various auditoriums to view the ceremony live stream. She has plans with friends afterward so think my staying home best choice, other than my daughter and I could enjoy each other's company. Sounds like you're wise to remain home, too.

    I can only imagine the pain of a child's absence for whatever the reasons, but not knowing where they are must magnify the feelings of loss. My thoughts are with you.

    I have no immediate relocation plans but know one of the kindest things I can do for my children is to downsize my possessions so they don't have to. They live such distance away that some items they might otherwise want are not practical for them to transport. So much else to sort through but I frequently become side-tracked by emotional aspects and memories associated with much I've stashed away for "when I get old, am confined and may want to sort through it all". ha I've been trying to do this for several years at a snail's pace.

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